A5

While reading “Emergency Sex” the character that intrigued, yet frustrated me at the same time, was Heidi. Her journey differed from that of Andrew and Ken, by Heidi having the status of a woman. Heidi’s gender played a renowned role in her experiences working within the UN while complicating her statuses and defining who she is. While Heidi was changed through her work, I was disappointed with the outcome of her sections. There are many questions I collected while reading that I would want to ask Heidi, had I gotten the chance to meet her. The below questions help outline the main frustrations that came from reading Heidi’s sections within the stories.

• Why did you allow your experiences to be defined and affected according to the role of men, before allowing yourself to experience this alone?
• Do you believe your perspectives and actions would have differed if you were a man?

One of the most important quotes I found of Heidi’s was when she explained that “[she’s] afraid to lose the women [she has] become, absorbed into yet another man’s world” (Heidi, 221). After reading this quote, I finally began to feel satisfied with the changes that occurred within how Heidi viewed herself. Leading up to this point in her story, Heidi was so defined by her statuses that it did not allow her to develop into her own person. Her obsession with finding her purpose and where she belongs ultimately hurt her in establishing this. Heidi was constantly debating her status, making her the most frustrating story to read. She consistently battles her identity, wishing she could be a Harvard graduate or a local at all of the countries she visited. To fulfill these desires she relied on the presence of men to make her feel needed and have a purpose. When reading “You are as You are Seen: Race/ Ethnicity/ Culture Identity” one is able to see how Heidi’s many identities have changed the way people treat and view Heidi; even including herself. The many identities Heidi finds herself as are: A female, a wife, an uneducated human, an American, and so many more. It is through these that Heidi understands that “branding is important” (Arcaro,  “You are as You are Seen: Race/ Ethnicity/ Culture Identity”). However, this branding mainly affects how Heidi views herself and her needs.

In terms of looking glass self, Heidi would fall under the category of “people whose sense of self are totally driven by how they see others seeing them” (Arcaro, “The moral career of a humanitarian aid worker”). Heidi is overly conscious about how the people she is surrounded by view her. Her desire to fit in, from the very beginning of her story, is evident as this drives most of her decisions. However, the reader has no choice to pitty Heidi on her journey of finding her true self.

While reading I was constantly waiting for Heidi to find this peace and develop her moral career to its fullest potential. I was rooting for her to finally be content with her life, free of insecurity and reliance on others. I felt the relief Heidi felt in Haiti when she finally “graduated from a blanc, a foreigner, an outsider, to a gremelle, a mixed-race Haitian” (Heidi, 243). Heidi explains that her home becomes Haiti as this is where she found where she belongs with Marc. The role of life partners and being a misfit completely affected Heidi’s experiences. However, the unexpected twists mentioned at the end of her stories almost reversed the progress she created for herself personally. The death of Marc and her mother was as a reader, shocking. Although Heidi frustrated me as I was reading her story, it was these frustrations that bring the storyteller and the reader together. I was able to feel the uncertainty that Heidi was feeling and the struggling of finding one’s true identity while working in this force.

References

Arcaro, Tom. “The Moral Career of a Humanitarian Aid Worker.” 25 Jan. 2016, blogs.elon.edu/aidworkervoices/?p=414.

Arcaro, Tom. “You Are as You Are Seen: Race/Ethnicity/Cultural Identity.” 31 July 2014, blogs.elon.edu/aidworkervoices/?p=157.

Cain, Kenneth, et al. Emergency Sex: (and Other Desperate Measures): True Stories from a War Zone. Ebury, 2006.